Tokyo Ghoul: Cry
by Shirotsune
Summary: Over 10 years before the events of the Tokyo Ghoul; Tokyo still had the same problems as it has today. This story views at the secret world of ghouls-and how hard it is to live as one.
1. Chapter 1 - Heavy Rain

**Chapter 1 – Heavy Rain**

Rain drops whipped against the muddy ground and even with the thundering storm, the approaching footfalls of the ghoul investigators were still louder. While spitting blood, I prayed for my wounds to regenerate. I was licking my wounds like an injured animal.

"Over there!"

Loud gunshots came from behind me. I mustered to my strength to dodge sideways and keep running further. My speed was already greatly diminished. A sensation of sharp pain rippled across my back.

If it wasn't for their great numbers and the stolen power they possessed. At first hiding into the construction site seemed like a good idea. But now it was turning into my grave. Given no other choice I started ascending the building, while leaving a trail of blood.

"I see blood! He went over there! Fire – FIRE!"

The spotlights of the bloodhounds were not a welcome sight. And despite of having some luck in avoiding the hails of bullets; they kept shooting at my position. And a few found their marks. I kept dashing up from one floor to another. At least they couldn't match up to my physique but at the same time. . .

… I had already cut-off my chances for escape. Soon I'd have to make my final stand; to choose how I would die.

 _Seventeen_. That was the final number as I counted the floors in the half-finished apartment. At least, I was no longer secreting blood. Unfortunately this did not remove the fact that the hunters were on the right trail. There was no escaping now.

From downstairs I could hear more gunshots; but I didn't see any projectiles hitting near me. They were probably playing it safe and shooting at every shadow on every corner.

I took the final steps to climb on the partially complete rooftop. Because of their cautious approach I probably had a few minutes left to live.

Why did this happen? I didn't kill people. I never ate a human that was murdered. This was never meant to be in the first place. My brother told me to never take a human life. He didn't kill people, he saved lives. In the eyes of the CCG it was all ignored.

I couldn't keep the tears away and I simply crumbled down on my kneecaps. Waiting, staring in the thundering sky. The city that I had always found so beautiful had now appeared melancholic and dark.

There was shouting one floor below me,

"This floor is all clear – "

"Stop!"

"What..?"

"This is a job for the investigators, stand back..."

"Y-yes sir."

The footfall sounded louder and louder, as an oozing bloodlust approached. The intent to kill terrorized my shocked world. I had felt burning pain in my chest, but the slowly lurking death brought peace; soon the struggle would be over.

I saw two men walking up the stairs, their eyes; with a single glance I could tell that they were monsters. I had never seen such of cold eyes in my life.

"Tch, is this ghoul for real? Crying that bastard..."

The man pulled out a long rod that suddenly expanded and coiled against my chest. It was a kagune. I knew they somehow managed to steal our kagunes, but still experiencing it first hand was overwhelming and scary.

I screamed from pain but worst of all – I was screaming of dread. The death I had expected, I thought it was to be serene and swift. However from the first blow and getting released from the crushing grasp of the kagune, their objective was clear; they were going to play with me. Coup de grace was nothing but a distant dream.

"Oh, the bastard is a bitch. Grhahahaha … This is the best. Was the man we killed previously someone dear to you? Lover, sibling, parent?"

The man holding the weapon stood there watching at me as I squirmed from the pain. The physical pain did not bother me at this point but his words punched a deep hole into my chest. A hole that felt deep enough to loose myself into that dark abyss.

"Why a-are you doing this..."

I pleaded only to be responded by laugh from the two. I could feel another slam from the kagune striking against me, choking on my throat before letting go again, forcing me to sit. I almost made the mistake of leaning backwards to lie down but there was only air behind me. Few inches backwards and I'd fall down to my death.

"Why..? Because you are a murderer. No worse, you are a ghoul."

His voice was filled with anger. He hated me with every cell of his body. That was clear. Somewhere deep inside my broken heart I could relate to the pain he had. He must've lost someone very precious to him.

The other man pulled a similar weapon from the suitcase but there was something familiar to it.

"This quinque is a special one. Just for you."

The other man laughed as he activated the quinque, I knew the smell and the appearance of it. It was my brothers kagune. For a fleeting moment I had imagined my brother was there.

"You thieving cats... Why!?"

I screamed with tears on my eyes and took a step up. The first man holding onto his quinque, launched the tendrils towards me. It slammed against my gut and sent me flying. I felt the shock all the way behind my head. Only to taunt me, rather than sending me down to the seemingly endless fall of over seventeen floors; the kagune coiled around my legs and threw me up in the air above the roof. In a moment I slammed painfully against the concrete floor of the roof.

"Oi, now!"

"Stay down, bitch..."

I felt frustration. Being powerless. My brother who had always protected me, always. For some reason; the voice of the man sounded like I had met with him somewhere before. Like I had heard it somewhere before...

 **Six days earlier.**

My brother and I lived in a big house in middle of Tokyo. My brother was an aspiring surgeon in the Red Cross hospital. He saved lives and was able to steal food from the hospital. Because of this, we managed to live safely. The social standing we had was perfect for staying away from the CCG and we also managed to keep it apart from other ghouls as well.

It was soon time to pretend playing house for one more time. I would ask my brother what he'd like to eat and he'd think of something. And then I would bring him the bento to the hospital before going off to the university. Of course this was all a ruse to appear as normal as possible.

I was following my brother's footsteps in education. Being second year in med school to become a doctor myself too. What I kept as a secret from my brother was that I secretly wanted to be a veterinarian.

…

The phone was ringing. I rushed in to answer, shouting in a cheerful voice.

"Tsukuyomi's residence."

"Hello, sis!"

"Nii-nii!"

"Could I ask you to make my favorite again?"

"Of course!"

"Thanks, I gotta cut it short there is a bit rush in the hospital. There was a ghoul attack today so I'm patching up survivors. See you soon!"

"See ya!"

I hanged the phone. A ghoul attack, I sighed. I had hardly met any other ghouls. Yet the image I had received from them was not a flattering one. I walked to the fridge and took a small tightly packed glass vial from there, staring at it. I opened the seal and drank the substance that tasted sweet like honey. It was a lot cleaner than eating human flesh and the concentrate made by my brother distanced us from the cannibalistic nature of the ghouls; despite the fact that it was still made out of people.

I opened the door and left home. Taking the usual route to the closest supermarket. My brother's "favorite" fake food was something that he could easily pretend to eat while getting rid of it, by mainly sharing it with others. An assortment of nigiri and gyoza. After the shopping, I rushed to make the bento and took off with my bike to drive to the hospital.

…

The hospital was always bigger than I had remembered, despite of getting there every day. It was awfully busy this time, I could see busy crowds moving in and out. I drove the bike to the entrance for employees and walked inside. I didn't get far off as I was stopped in the corridor. A man wearing a suit walked up towards me.

"What is a visitor doing up here?"

The man stared down at me. For some reason I felt a primitive urge to turn around and flee. I couldn't get words out of my mouth as I could feel the man's hands gripping tightly against my wrist.

"Come with me, girl."

"Stop, let go off me!"

I tried screaming and in the struggle, I dropped the bento down to the ground. All of it's contents rolled on the floor.

In a few moments people arrived to the scene and luckily, one of them was my brother. He had heard the screaming and had rushed in to see what had happened. He usually timed his breaks with my arrival on days when it was possible so it was not completely unusual.

"My lunch!" He shouted. The man holding my wrist released the grip. However I still felt the chill on my spine.

"Who is she..?"

"This lady, she is my sister! What are you doing in here in the first place you are not even supposed to be in here!?"

My brother shouted at the man.

"I am sorry. But because of the attack, we have to keep the security tight." The grunt bowed deep in front of my brother.

. . .

"What was that about..."

My brother looked at me with a worried look.

"CCG. This hospital was the closest one to the area that was attacked. It has been really hectic in the hospital and I am probably working really late today. Having doves all around here, doing security it's..."

"I see, Nii-nii are you going to be okey?" I looked at him.

"I'll manage. Besides don't you have somewhere to be?"

He was right; my school was about to start.

"Nii-nii, I'll see you later!"

"Yup, I'll call you when I can."

He gave a bothered smile at me. I nodded before rushing out from the coffee room, I was a little bit late. I suppose that CCG grunt helped my brother, as it was the perfect excuse to get rid of the bento.

"Keep on with good work," I shouted at the grunt who was still watching on the same corridor was before. He wasn't staring at me suspiciously anymore.

"Thank you."

I started biking to the university and kept going on with the day.

For the next few days I hardly saw my brother. And at home, the atmosphere was stressed.

 **Present Day, few hours earlier**

I received a fax in the morning: "I'm coming home by the noon," it was from my brother. I felt relieved. Things at his work must've calmed down by now.

However my brother never showed up. After hours passed I became more restless until I could no longer take it. I rushed to get up on my bike and started moving towards the hospital as fast as I possibly could.

I biked the way that my brother usually took from the hospital to home. After past halfway; as I got closer to my destination, I saw two men with suits and a bunch of guys in riot equipment and guns. ' _What was going on..?'_

"Brother?" I shouted as my eyes caught a silhouette that I knew. I tried my best to get closer. But one of the gunmen rushed forward, tackling me down to the pavement.

"Don't move." The man commanded. But I didn't have time to feel fear because as that happened I saw my brother's kagune. That sight had always filled me with a feeling of security.

He always told me to never kill people. But what happened there seemed to occur out of sheer desperation. The men with gun were sliced in pieces. I tried to get up on my feet as I watched my brother's chest become punctured by an alien kagune.

"Aki... Run" his voice was weak and I felt true terror, when I saw him like that. I started running with all my might. Crying as I kept running.

"Stop him!" I heard people shout from behind me. Gunshots filled the air. I couldn't avoid to get hit. But despite of the pain, I managed to slip away on the corner.

...

The sky was getting as dark as my heart. Running was all I could but I felt trapped. The hunters were coming after me. It was a hopeless game of cat and mice where my seemingly unlimited options were quickly reduced into nothingness.

My tears were already gone after hours of running away. Replaced by the cold raindrops. I didn't ask for any of this. I couldn't understand how my life could've been changed so dramatically in such of short moment.

It didn't take long until the girl had become trapped on the rooftop, lying down on the concrete floor. Beaten half-dead.

…

"My brother was a good person..."

I cried at the two men. The cold of the rain felt heavy and it became increasingly darker as the last few rays from the sun the glimmered in the distant horizon of the cityscape.

"Your brother murdered a lot of my good buddies."

I could feel another heavy slam coming from the kagune. But this time it coiled around my left hand. Like electric needles, I felt a pain that kept and kept increasing. My scream turned louder and louder; until I heard a snap. My hand was broken, dislocated and malformed; I was going to lose it to the pain.

"Huh... Did she break already? I didn't even get the chance to try my new quinque on her."

"Why do you even bother with that second-rate quinque. That kagune was trash, you'll get a better one from the HQ."

"Come on... Let me kill her with it."

"Tch, fine."

The man wielding my brother's kagune like a weapon was walking towards me. Second-rate, trash!? How could they sully my brother like that. He tried his best to keep me safe. And now; now I am going to be killed by that thing?

The walls of my reality started collapsing, the sky turned red in my eyes. The fear I felt was there no longer. This was something far more pure and innocent. I never felt like I had played out the next part. I simply had memories and strong emotions attached to them.

The next thing I recall seeing gave endless satisfaction for me. The man about to execute me was staring at me with a blank nonchalant gaze. I could feel warmth of blood on the skin of my hand.

"What the... Fuck it's a – ," the one who killed my brother was screaming. His voice was repulsive. I felt like I had to silence it.

A few steps, flashing forward; it was like time had frozen for me. I stared into the eyes of the man wearing that quinque he claimed superior to my brothers.

On my perception, it took a long time until his headless body slammed on the ground. Meanwhile, I had already thrown the head down the stairs. As the head fell, discordant shouting rumbled from downstairs.

The man that was wielding my brother on a stick, still stood on the center of the roof; holding to the quinque with one hand and the other hand was trying to hold his gut together. I walked towards him and stole back the quinque from his hands, before sinking my teeth into the armament.

One bite at a time; I gnawed pieces from the kagune. I didn't chew-I simply swallowed the pieces until nothing remained of it. And I still felt that emotion. That rage and hunger. I was brought down to a primal feeding frenzy.

After the quinque had been devoured, I started my feast on the investigators. I think the first guy was probably still alive when I sank my teeth into his throat. The memories were hazy but at least the mad feast was interrupted by gunfire.

The next scene I remembered was me, soaring high in the air. Coming down like a crashing meteorite. CCG shooting at me with guns blazing as I crashed on the roof of the building. The structure of the unfinished building crumbling like a house of cards.

And just like that, they were all gone: the building; the people, murderers of my brother. This was the power that ghouls had. No wonder they think we are monsters. After this, I had to agree. I was a monster. I hadn't become a monster, I had always been one.

That day the person known as Tsukuyomi Aki was gone, it was replaced by a monster, known as a ghoul. After that tragedy, the value I held for a human life was gone.


	2. Chapter 2 - Hope

**A/N:** Here again! Suppose this is the first Author Note, I've added to this story. The 'abstract' timeline concept has finally taken form. It only takes a little bit over 10 years before the events of the canon. The precise location where the story takes place is actually an area where I have been at in real life. The story hints in the first chapter with the hospital at Shibuya-ku.

Anyways let me know your thoughts; love and hate! :3

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Hope**

A beeping sound kept repeating over and over again. I had probably held the phone in my hand for hours, maybe days. I lied on my bed, staring at my own reflection through the mirror. My mind was astray and my chest was torn apart. I couldn't feel hunger, but I knew I was starving.

My skin had gotten sweaty, my hair was tangled and my eyes had been painted gushing red against the black sclera. My only amusement for the days to come was to look into my demonic eyes. It felt like I was staring into the soul of a total stranger.

Because of the RC cells, glimmering crimson was at least offering some form of illumination in the dark room. I had kept all curtains shut for who knows how long. Every now and then a car would drive by and its lights would bring a shadowed light through the dark curtains.

As my hunger grew, I couldn't keep wallowing any further; I had to eat something.

I got up from my bed. There was a sinking in the bed where I had laid. This was not the home that I used to know. It was dirty and thick dust covered the surfaces. I couldn't find the motivation to do chores. The stench of rot lingered from the kitchen. The house appeared from the inside forsaken.

Wandering around the house, all I could see from the mirrors was the red-eyed monster that I couldn't even recognize as my own image. The sounds of laughter were an erased memory, eclipsed by the horrors that happened during that day.

The answering machine was filled with messages, but I couldn't put myself to listen through them. Mails piled on my door, yet I couldn't face the outdoors. The horror to touch the doorknob was an overwhelming obstacle. It had been almost easier to just break the doors with my kagune.

Rummaging through the freezer, I pulled the last slab of meat. I was going to run out of supplies. Because of my forced hunger, I couldn't wait for it to melt. I simply started chewing the frozen solid block, slowly chipping it down piece by piece. A feat impossible for human teeth maybe, but it was trivial for a ghoul.

It did not have a taste, but my nose picked off a light tingling sensation that it was food. Though this might have been just a phantom image in my head, coming from a memory.

 _I was pathetic._

I didn't even hide that fact. I kept wallowing in self-pity. At least the city arranged my brother's funeral, but I couldn't push myself to attend. The rainy season was long past and a light touch of snow and ice coated the streets of Tokyo. Glancing outside from the window, I couldn't distinguish if Christmas had come or not. Perhaps it was past the new year.

There used to be a lot of food in the storage, but I had now efficiently consumed all of it. At least before I didn't need to get the food myself. That was the perfect excuse to stay inside four walls.

But being halfway through on chewing this frozen block, I knew I had to pull myself up from this void and just try to live. If not for myself, then for the memory of my brother. Just thinking of him made tears fall down my cheeks. To cry or not-it made no difference. I was devastated from the inside; any thought related to him was an excuse to shed tears.

Though not every day had been that terrible. On better days, I would punish myself by reading the diary and notes of my brother, over and over again. It hurt, but it was a bridge for me to know about the red-eyed creature that I saw staring back at me on the other side of the mirror. Everything my brother accumulated about ghouls or the CCG was in those scribbly notes.

A small candle, burning for revenge, was the reason why I kept reading through them. Still, most of the time, I was in denial, as facing the reality was too painful.

I knew, that if a dove would show-up, I wouldn't make any excuse or retract my kakugan. In fact, a part of me screamed, hoping for this to happen. I even fantasized about going into the main office of CCG and with open arms, reveal my kakugan.

After I had finished eating, I shambled back into my room. In fits of desperate anger, there were wooden splinters and parts of some of the furniture in most of the rooms. The door to my room was hanging on its one hinge.

I hadn't even put the heat on, but I didn't care. The cold on my naked toes did not bother me. If I laid long enough on the bed, it got warm.

 _How could the elements make you feel cold, if you had lost all warmth in life?_ I questioned.

. . .

" _ **Knock-Knock"**_

I snapped awake. I had had a nightmare, but I couldn't remember anything about it. There wasn't even time to think about it, as I could hear the same knocking sound. I kept ignoring it, but it didn't end. Because of the broken door, I could hear a faint shouting coming from the entry. I couldn't catch on the words, but it was persistent and the knocking only became more vigorous.

I had no choice; I got up on my feet and started walking towards the door, wearing nothing more than a white shirt, with drunken buttons and panties. I had used the same clothes this whole time.

Outside the bedroom, the knocking on the door sounded more like pummeling with fists.

Before opening the door, I checked my eyes. My kakugan was suppressed, but I felt that if it was a dove knocking on the door, I would just let it show.

I pressed my hand on the doorknob. Putting my force into it, I twisted the mechanism, unlocking the door and pushed the door slowly open as suddenly it was yanked from my hand and the door slammed open. I slipped from the force, falling forward down to the floor.

I was staring at the shoes of someone.

"Oh my god, Aki!"

Warm hands pressed against my shoulders and quickly pulled me up. The voice belonged to a girl, but my mind was too cloudy to recognize her. She closed the door and invited herself in, against my volition. However, I lacked the resolve to put up a fight.

" _Click."_ The lights turned on. The bright light irritated my eyes.

"This smell, oh … Aki, I'm so sorry," she hugged me. My memories were slowly coming to me. She was in the same year-class as me.

"You haven't been in the school for months! You already dropped from all the courses... Everyone has been worried for you. I've been worried for you."

I wanted to answer her, but it had been such of long time since I last spoke. I had lost the touch needed to be with people. The sweet smell of her flowing blood invigorated me. Despite my wallowing, the ghoul's predatory instinct woke me up from the apathy.

"Aki... You look terrible," she looked into my eyes. My memories were slowly being organized, piece by piece.

Her name was Sachi; she used to be my best friend.

"S-s-so-so … rry" I whimpered, with barely a whisper. If my house hadn't been ghastly silent, nobody could've heard what I just said.

"It's not your fault. I'll help you. It is the least I can do for you," she patted my shoulder.

I walked to the sofa on the living room. I was too exhausted to care for what Sachi was doing. She turned on the heat and almost screamed when she got into the kitchen.

I was staring on the white ceiling until she came back.

"Aki, come with me." She yanked my hand. She guided me into the bathroom.

The tiling was warm blue and we had a small fake onsen next to the shower. It was slightly more decorated than rest of the bathroom.

Sachi pulled my shirt off, and she noted that I had almost no willpower to do anything for myself. She joined me in the shower and washed my hair and body.

"I brought some amitriptyline with me, if you need it. It should alleviate with the PTSD symptoms," Sachi said with a low tone.

"Sa-sachi. It's just," I groaned. Despite of my melancholy, I couldn't deny that the water wasn't feeling nice on my skin. I tried to gather up my thoughts.

"Done," Sachi nodded. She then pulled me down to the fake onsen. The water was so low that, you almost had to lie down if you wanted to become submerged.

I loved bathing; it was one of the things that made me happy in this world. I used to do it daily, but this was the first time since my brother had died. Those triggered memories made me cry, but the company of Sachi-the moment she warped her hands around my chest and comforted me, it felt like the deep hole that resided within my hollow chest had something in it.

"Shh, it'll be alright. It'll be alright."

It took me awhile to wash away the painful memories of my brother in this context. And even more of that courage to talk about it with Sachi. And the sooner I did it, the better.

"My brother. Was killed by ghouls," I had to lie. Then again, this lie was what I was told by the police when reports came about my brother. They had to cover it, because he was a prestigious doctor. It would have been a media scandal otherwise.

"I'm sorry."

"It is not your fault... I don't need drugs. I just need some time, because..."

The pain bursting from my chest was intolerable as I tried to finish the sentence; I really tried, despite it hurting like hell.

"Because... Because..." Sobbing twisted my words

"Because, I saw it," I managed to say it. It was the truth. And at that point I completely lost it to the hole in my chest. Not even Sachi's best attempt to comfort me could fill that hole in my chest. The momentary relief I had received before felt like an illusion, but it was better to have someone to share the contents of my heart.

. . .

By the nightfall, the house did not have a horrible smell lingering in the hallways. Sachi had worked her best to clean the kitchen and the house. It also was a lot warmer; the radiators were heating the house with full power.

When it was time to go to sleep, Sachi barged next to me, to keep me comfortable.

Because I was a ghoul-well, because _I am_ a ghoul-I never had experienced a normal sleepover. It helped me cope with the sadness. Even though it was through pajamas, the intimacy and body warmth felt safe. I struggled far less with my ghoul-side than I had feared I would.

Still, even though I did not jump on my best friend and start eating her alive, I was teased by the lingering scent of a feast-that I knew for a fact-would taste heavenly.

Luckily, I was able to consider the scent more like a perfume that she was using than a piece of meat to be consumed. I really did not want to feed on my best friend.

Besides of my fears of letting her so close to me, I was too frail and vulnerable to say no for her protection. I was too greedy for having someone near me. To hug and hold hands, it was my first social contact for as long as I could think. The fear of being alone was far worse than the fear to eat her.

It didn't take long for my eyelids to start feeling heavy and there was no resisting.

. . .

It was dark. In the darkness, I could feel movement, hear malicious laughter and maddening whispers.

"Why are you doing this!" I screamed. There were dark silhouettes around me. A group of faceless people stood in front of me, hiding in the shadows.

I turned to look on my right where I saw that my brother was being taken from me. He was enveloped by the embrace of a kagune, his face stricken by horror. Red tears poured from his eyes.

"Because you are a murderer..." Dark voices tormented me. The group of faceless people started twisting into a more concrete shape. They were the men from that night. They took the faces of the dead.

"No!" I screamed.

"It is because you are a ghoul."

I tried to run away, but my limbs were frozen by terror. I couldn't move an inch.

"Even a human who is a murderer is more than a ghoul." The man in front of me had a kagune grow from his back. It was my brother's kagune. It turned scarier by the moment.

" _Thud-Thud-Thud."_ My heartbeat was getting louder, faster, louder, faster.

When the kagune struck forward, I snapped awake, screaming loudly.

I could feel movement coming from next to me and I managed to restrain myself from releasing my kagune. I could feel Sachi's hands wrapping around me. I closed my eyes and rolled my head to press my face against the pillow and cry.

I couldn't turn around to face Sachi and look at her; I knew from the familiar sensation that my kakugans were active. If she were to stare my face, my best friend would turn on me. She would learn about the monster that I really am.

"It's alright. It was only a bad dream," Sachi whispered into my ear.

"I know..." I sobbed. I wasn't sure if she could even hear what I tried to say as I spoke to the pillow.

She pet my hair and cheek.

"... I miss him. It is hard so hard to cope without him. Thank you for being here for me."

Sachi let out short and mellow hum in my ear.

"You should try to sleep," she whispered.

I turned on the bed and faced away from Sachi. She pushed her chest against my back. It felt safe when she was facing me like that. Eventually, I could feel that the kakugan was suppressed and I could open my eyes.

I stared into the dark room. Sachi's presence felt like she was a sister to me. And this time, I didn't even struggle with my ghoul aspect. I felt hunger, but she smelled like Sachi; not food, but a person. It was a little similar to the way how I recognized the scent of my brother.

. . .

In the morning, I slowly woke to the sunlight basking on my face. The winter sun colored my skin a pale blue-white texture. I felt a faint smile on my lips; it was a pleasant awakening. In the air, lingered the sweet scent of food. And coffee-it was definitely the aroma of freshly grounded coffee beans.

I pulled myself up, looking on my side. There was nobody else in the room and floor was cleared of clothes and trash. Besides the bed, there was nothing else but the tatami on the room. Everything had been organized in an orderly fashion in the closets.

I dressed up lightly before walking past the door hanging on its hinges. The sun cast eerie bluish rays from every window and dust motes danced in the light. With the white interior design, this gave an impression that the house was older than what it really was.

"Good morning," Sachi smiled at me.

"Morning," I gave a bothered smile which triggered Sachi to leap on me.

"You smiled!"

Her mood turned overwhelmingly cheerful after she noticed that I gave some form of emotional response. But even though I was bothered by it, it was welcome.

"Coffee?" Sachi asked with a wide smile.

"Yes, please!" My reaction was like a man who had been wandering in desert for days without water and then someone was offering a water bottle. I almost spilled the coffee. It didn't matter if I burned my mouth-it was like heavenly nectar.

". . ."

Sachi stared at me with round eyes.

"More! Please!" I bowed my head down reverently. She hadn't prepared more coffee than two cups, but she gave me her cup.

" _Glug-glug-glug."_ I emptied the cup like it was water.

Sachi was baffled. My behavior had probably struck her as odd, but she started making more coffee. Because it didn't strike me as appetizing, I noticed only now that there was the sizzling sound of things being fried. She was battering some vegetables and frying them in oil, making a tempura.

The thought of eating food was already making me feel sick. I knew I was about to have no choice in this matter. If I tried to run away, she'd force feed me like I was a baby.

"It's almost ready. You must be starving."

 _Yes, but human food is poisonous for ghouls._

"I am," I gave out a fake sneer. It was almost like stereotypical moment from a manga where the girl was making a bento for her crush and when the boy opened it; the contents looked more like an attempted murder than something you'd give to your loved ones.

Sachi placed the foodstuff on the plate and gave me chopsticks. I pictured myself as the senpai from those mangas. Trying to joke about it was the only way to keep up a poker face.

"Itadakimasu~!" Sachi said in a cheerful tone.

 _I'm going to die now._

"Itadakimasu," I took chopsticks in my hand.

She started eating, while I prepared myself. I extended my hand, took a piece with my chopsticks and dipped it in ponzu sauce.

I held my breath and placed it in my mouth. I tried avoiding it from touching my tongue as much as possible, before swallowing the piece.

Sachi gave me a mischievous smile.

 _That's it. I know for a fact that she is trying to murder me._

"It's g-good..." I was not sure if I was a good liar on this topic. I drank some coffee and washed the bad taste in my mouth with it.

"Glad that you like it."

 _I'll never make fun of those boys that have to eat god-awful bento's from girls with no talent in cooking._

. . .

After the dinner, I felt like throwing up. I sent Sachi away to the closest konbini store, asking if she could do me a favor and bring me my favorite coffee flavored snacks.

As she left, I sprinted to the toilet and systematically emptied my stomach. It felt sad that I couldn't enjoy the food that Sachi had made. Only because I was a ghoul.

This time, I did not fall on my knees and started crying. I had a desire to stand up. The flame was rekindled inside me. Thanks to Sachi, it was no longer a weak candle that was easily snuffed away; it had transformed into a brightly burning flare.

My brother always said that brain defeats brawn and that it's true even with ghouls. If I wanted to become strong, I'd have to learn to master my kagune. The biggest issue was how to overcome the weaknesses of an ukaku user.

I squeezed my hands together.

I didn't want to hide from the world anymore. I wanted to fight.


	3. Chapter 3 - Flickering

**Chapter 3: Flickering**

The seasons changed and soon the white snow was black. Only an occasional white mist from the sea crept through the streets of Tokyo.

I had changed, and I wasn't the only one who had noticed. The cold black and white kept my emotions in check. However, when the royal blush of the petals of blossoming cherry trees washed over the land of the rising sun, I couldn't help but to look back at what I had lost.

To be physically far superior to the humans, it was ironic that I had become a rat, playing in the pockets of the low-ends of society. There was a dark pact between the underworld and some of the desperate ghouls. I wasn't the predator that could take the life of another easily, so I shadowed those who could.

The Yakuza and their ledgers were far too red and gushing on this district. The ghoul investigators were corrupt with blood money within the district; behind their backs, the Yakuza played a fiendish game at the mirror's edge . We-the ghouls-were the ones taking out the garbage, eating away the sins of men. But it was us to blame wholly.

There was no black and white between them and us, no middle ground. All the blame fell on our shoulders, and I couldn't but commend my brother for how tightly he had wrapped the blindfold around my eyes.

My sleep was cut short every night due to my new lifestyle. I couldn't just lie down and die. I was going to fight for the sake of my brother. Every night was relentless preparation. I had to be trained, if I were going to live on.

So how was a wannabe ghoul like myself going to change anything?

I couldn't give an answer to that question.

My grades went crashing down, but at least I had somehow managed to return to my "usual" life. On the other side of that coin, I was piling up soda cans every night, practicing my accuracy with my Ukaku.

Following the wisdom of nature, conserving as much energy as possible usually meant survival. I taught myself how to use the ranged capacity of my kagune like an arrow rather than a barrage of loosely hailed shards.

My path for survival was far from easy, but I had no choice. I was sure that failing to outlive my brother would destroy everything that he had worked so hard for. It was the only way I knew how to express my gratitude.

* * *

"That ends this lesson. Gather by the observatory in thirty minutes before the autopsy lesson."

The ringing bells and the boring teacher going on with his teaching woke me up from a half-meditative sleep. I was more concerned with my other life than keeping up the facade of a good student.

"Huh – it was today?" I shook my head.

"Huh, we've been talking about this all week." Sachi brushed my shoulder.

"I know it's just..."

"You should learn to let go."

I looked at her and her worrying smile. I could sense somewhere deep within her that she was getting tired at seeing me like this.

"You don't have to worry that much about -"

"Aki, your grades have been dropping and I can't remember since last you've ..."

"Sachi, I'm way better than what it seems to the outside." I gave a slight nudge on her shoulder, interrupting her speech.

I tried my best to appear awake and cheerful as we walked the stairs down and headed down to the basement of the medical school.

"Look, it's only my sleeping that has been getting to me lately. I keep seeing nightmares of you know what." I tried to sound as convincing as possible. Maybe I was a little worried about her constant concern.

"We haven't even had a proper night out in a long time." I pouted, turning my head over my shoulder to look at Sachi, standing on an upper stair.

"I … I'm sorry." Sachi gasped. I moved instinctively to grab her hand, because experience told me too well what was about to happen. Instead I followed her to the toilet.

"I didn't know you that you felt like that. I should have known better." Sachi sobbed.

"No, I'm sorry – I should have kept you closer." I twisted my lips.

"A lot happened..." Sachi muttered.

"Ha-ha … look at us. It's hard to say which one of us had their life turned upside-down." I winced out a half-cherished grin.

I looked at Sachi, wiping away her tears. She looked like she was about to bow her head down and apologize. However, instead she saw my old grin and laughed

"We'll be late from the class." I boldly stated.

"Aww, shut up..." Sachi pushed my shoulder.

We walked outside the toilet when Sachi's footfalls ended abruptly.

"... This was the first time that you have smiled this year." Sachi's voice was weeping and weak. I hadn't even realized that fact about me.

But before I could even make a sound, a heavy push fell on my back, cushioned by soft skin. I was wrapped by two feeble arms that pulled me backwards with all their strength.

For the first time, I felt a rekindled warmth in my chest. It was happiness. An emotion that I thought was lost forever, or so it had seemed.


End file.
